By My Side
by Drea Jackman
Summary: Logan faces the emptiness of his life now that Max is gone and dreams of what could’ve been before finally reaching a conclusion to give him the strength to carry on. (Set after AJBAC, before Designate This.)


TITLE: By My Side  
  
WRITTEN BY: Drea Jackman   
  
EMAIL: DreaJackman@Literati.co.uk   
  
RATING: G  
  
SUMMARY: Logan faces the emptiness of his life now that Max is gone and dreams of what  
could've been before finally reaching a conclusion to give him the strength to carry on. (Set after  
AJBAC, before Designate This.)  
  
DISCLAIMER: I own none of the characters involved. They belong to Cameron/Eglee  
Producions :(   
  
ARCHIVE: If I've said yes before I'll say it again, otherwise email me 'n' lemme know.   
  
FEEDBACK: Don't make me beg, please? ...D'OH!   
  
A/N: Just another lil songfic dealing with Logan facing the death of Max at the end of AJBAC.   
And I'm not gonna tell you who the song is by, just so it isn't judged simply on who wrote/sung it.   
If you're really dying to find out after you've read this then email me and I'll tell you. Hope you  
like peeps, this was just written straight after SOM-ch4 so I'll be taking a break for a little bit.   
Messa tired, gonna go study somemore :o) (Lyrics between the ~*~ marks)  
  
___________________________________________________________   
  
  
Logan walked through the lonely darkness of his apartment, the crown upon the buildings that  
were Fogle Towers. The place still felt strangely empty as the days had gone by one by one and  
now was no acceptation. Without her to brighten it up, his life was just another baron plain of  
existence in the surrounding broken world. To him it felt strangely fitting, a broken man in a  
broken world, but that'd never been how she'd seen him.  
  
It had only been two months since the Manticore attack. Two months since he'd lost the love of  
his life forever. Being alone had never bothered him much before. Rich guy on a mission to  
save the world one person at a time, he hadn't really paid much attention to the social aspects of  
life since they'd betrayed him with Val so long ago. It was only now he realized just how lonely  
he was without Max in his life.  
  
The lowly whir of the exosuit was all the setting needed to be completely depressing. He stalked  
over to the large windows framing the far wall of the apartment and looked out over the  
surrounding, tall buildings. For a change it wasn't stormy out, nor was it raining. But, the dull  
light of dusk was enough to make the slightly brighter light from inside the apartment behind  
Logan cast his reflection on the glass payne in front for him to see.   
  
Quietly he examined his features. Little scruffier than usual, hair grown out a little more than  
before. Now it was too long to stand in the disarray of spikes it once had, but instead lay in  
longer strands some of which fell across his forehead. He removed his glasses and examined  
his eyes. Eyes that had once shone brightly now cast in darkness and gloom, the faintest  
staining of red still apparent beneath them.   
  
Putting his glasses back on he feined a smile, hearing some inner voice of Max's telling him to  
'buck up his ideas a little and get his life back in gear!' The first attempt didn't convince the  
inner voice of anything, so he tried again, this time remembering the last heartwarming smile  
she'd offered him as they sat on the floor just behind where he stood now, finally stepping  
forward in their relationship.   
  
The image before him blurred until he couldn't recognize it anymore, all he saw was Max. A  
lonely tear spilled over and made its way down over his cheek before becoming lost in the scruff  
of his beard. The smile immediately faded as the reflection shattered in his minds eye, all  
thoughts of moving on even if it was what she'd have wanted banished from acknowledgment,  
lost to grief once again.  
  
~*~  
Tonight I saw a glimpse of your smile within my own  
Reflection oh you looked so beautiful in  
A tear ran down my face and all my memories erase  
Oh why'd you have to leave my side  
~*~  
  
Logan watched as one by one the tears fell, the stillness of his features refusing to give in to  
letting sobs physically wrack his body for what must have been the millionth time that week  
alone. He could never seem to get her out of his mind, and even the smallest of warm memories  
was enough to trigger off a cascading reaction. It was never one tear, or a few. Before long it  
always managed to work its way from a meandering river, bearly noticeable to anyone else or  
even him, to an almost ravaging breakdown as the tears fell heavier creating an ocean of  
sorrow.  
  
Time and time again he fought to remember that even though he'd lost her now, his feelings  
hadn't gone completely unspoken. Max had known how he felt about her, even if he'd never  
said those precious three words to her. He knew she'd died loving him and only him, the joy that  
single piece of knowledge brought was overwhelming. All kept safe deep down inside was his  
love for her, something Logan knew would never die even with the passage of time. But, where  
there had once only been love now had to share its place with grief. A potent mixture of pain  
and sorrow counteracted by all the love he still had for her kept inside where he felt it'd never  
die.  
  
Once he had only longed for the strength to tell her how he felt, then he'd prayed that she felt  
the same for him. Now all he longed for was to have her back. It was a prayer answered only in  
the warmest of dreams the night could bring.  
  
~*~  
Oh why do all the rivers flow into the ocean  
And why does all the love in the world come straight from the heart  
And why does all the pain I feel come from deep inside  
Oh all these questions I could have answered  
If you were by my side  
~*~  
  
Logan refocused, his eyes finding the twinkling lights of the Seattle night above looking down on  
him. He had to wonder if Max was looking down on him from somewhere up there too. She may  
have thought of herself as less than desirable for such a place as Heaven, but to Logan she was  
his Angel and if indeed there was such a place, she'd be there happy and loved forever. His  
eye line eventually dropped as his neck stiffened up and he leaned against the ledge in front of  
him to stare out over the busy streets. He saw some people glide by in the street on bikes and  
thought of Max.  
  
What exactly had it been that pushed him to go find her anyway? Logan had never really been  
certain. He could cite many things offhand. It was fate, he and Max were meant to be, they  
were soalmates - two halves of the same soul that reached out to the other and beckoned to be  
reunited. Whatever it was, Logan thanked God for it.   
  
It had been the one thing that stood up to his sense of good reason and need to protect Max.   
When Zack had warned him to let her go for her own safety, it had pushed the thoughts aside in  
a selfish need to keep her in his life. He shouldn't have done it, he still knew that to the day, but  
at the same time he'd never be sorry he listened to it over Zack.   
  
~*~  
Somethin' made me look at you  
Somethin' made me do what I had to do girl  
Somethin' made me talk to you  
Somethin' made me do what I shouldn't  
I want you by my side  
I want you by my side  
~*~  
  
Still, his life didn't have to be completely empty he supposed. Actually, he knew with firm belief  
that it only felt empty and that it'd never truly be so. Max was gone, but she'd left with him  
memories that he'd carry with him for the rest of his life. Logan could pray, ask God and even  
Max for another chance at life, another shot at the relationship and the life they could've and  
should've had where he could stay by her side forever, but would it ever make a difference?   
Hope was something else to cling onto now, even though he knew it wouldn't have a healthy  
outcome to hope for the impossible, something in him right then had to hold onto it.  
  
~*~   
Now everything the pain I feel slowly fades away  
And all the memories you've given me are always here to stay  
Oh what I'm askin' girl is one more chance to let me in your life  
Oh girl if you give me once more chance  
Then I can be right by your side  
~*~  
  
Drawing himself up onto the ledge Logan pulled his legs in closer, wrapping his arms around  
them in a tight hug. Resting his chin on top of his knees the lack of sensation there let him close  
his eyes and pretend it was Max in his arms instead. Gently he rocked back and forth  
remembering everything there had been to know about her. Every experience, every word  
spoken etched into the stone of his memory where it'd never be eroded away.   
  
It was there he could lose himself and hide from the pain again, thinking of how it could've been  
different. Of how even though Max hadn't known it then, he'd been ready to propose right after  
the attack on Manticore, a small part of the celebration in not only defeating the place of her  
childhood horrors, but in realizing and pursuing their relationship beyond the realms of familiarity  
to them both.   
  
Since finding out that Max returned his feelings he'd thought of little else than being with her  
forever, never leaving her side till the day he died. It was a distant wish for the future that was  
brought forward suddenly by the threat of the chance being taken away if things didn't go to plan  
at Manticore. Now it was only a dream he longed for every night before bed. Exchanging rings  
and vows of eternal devotion.   
  
In that second Logan's head lifted slowly, his jawline set as he refused to let anymore tears spill  
over. He still loved her, he knew it'd never change. And when his reverie's and dreams were all  
over, she'd still be gone. The important thing was that they'd had a chance to be together.   
Logan remembered Charlie's last words after Tinga was taken from him, of how he'd never trade  
a second of time with her. Logan could understand the sentiment completely, the two men more  
alike now than they'd ever been.  
  
Logan would never trade a second of time he'd spent with Max for anything in the world. Not the  
night she'd broken into his apartment to steal from him, not the fights they'd had when their  
rivaling stubborn streaks had clashed and made them refuse to back down. He smiled a little  
knowing smile to himself and rested his head on his knees again. Not the times she saved his  
life, the gift of walking she'd given him or the times she'd kicked his ass at chess. No, he wasn't  
alone even now, he realized that. Max would always be with him, in memories, by his side as  
he'd dreamt. He'd live his life, to through whatever life had to throw at him and make it out safe  
on the other side.  
  
They'd be together for the rest of his life and beyond even if death fought to separate them and  
the day he died they'd be reunited. He'd return to her, to a place where they'd never stray or be  
taken from the others side again.  
  
~*~  
Somethin' made me look to you  
Somethin' made me do what I had to do girl  
Somethin' made me talk to you  
Somethin' made me do what I shouldn't  
I want you by my side  
I want you by my  
By my side  
~*~ 


End file.
